why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
