i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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