i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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