They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
