my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
