i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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