Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
