Jerry, you need to find god
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize