i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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