I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize