oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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