Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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