Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
