Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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