Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's always time for handjobs
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
