Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
