New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
