So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She even gives head with a lisp.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
