At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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