Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
