Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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