1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
