I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize