I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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