Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
