someone threw a dead crab at me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
