life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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