Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
