If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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