Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
