did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
