Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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