Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
