I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
whose parrot is this?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
