I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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