You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
