i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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