I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
either way he was missing a nipple.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
