ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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