so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
