i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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