Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
