your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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