I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
