My Higher Power is John Stamos
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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