I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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