My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize