woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize