I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
