my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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