you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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