I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
