Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
