I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
