last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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